A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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Ok that joke up there wasn't meant to offend anybody, but in a small way it inspired me to write today. The truth is, in my whole life, I've never had a serious relationship, and at the moment I wonder if it's worth it?
Based on my past history, and what I've observed on my friends, we gurls tend to lose our logic everytime we find ourselves attracted to someone. We get flustered, we lose focus, we forget what's important, we don't seem to care about other things... ack... I hate it when I get into that phase... It was too ugly, and I'm not sure if I want to "get involved" with anyone at the risk of making a **** of myself every single time.
I know what you're thinking out there. You're thinking "lesson learned" right? Analyse, decide and adapt, right? Sigh... nah, I still go into my stupid mode at least once a year... and I guess subconsciously I made a decision.
And ever since then, I've been the "best friend." It's liberating in a way. I get to go out several nights a week with different people. We go to the movies, we go for dinner, or just even a coffee for a chat. It's not always the same guy, and not just one person at a time. I'm not held back. I don't have to report back to anyone every time I get out of the movie. Like I told my friend last night on the phone, I've got nothing but time for myself, and that is freedom.
But then you see the friends you have who one by one meet someone special, and I wonder, if I made the right decision? Kinda felt a pang the most when I spent last saturday hanging out with a married couple and their month plus baby. I'm not saying I want a baby, but there was just this feeling that you get when you see someone on the start of a long journey, and you wonder if you'll ever get a chance to start your own.
I guess I'm just rambling... I'll publish this, and I'll change my mind again tomorow. Nothing more than a thought that I just felt like jotting down... or could it be more?
My dad told me that I should control my emotions. And of all the things, this is what he said to make his point, "Girls who are garang all the time wind up old spinsters..." and I'm irritated... again....
I thought that this irritated attitude was a new thing. Perhaps some kind of by product from 6 months plunged into a working enviroment where people want data 5 minutes ago and the only person who knows about it transfered and his backup hasn't come back from leave (what kind of backup is that?), but a recent phone conversation with my dad changed my mind.
My dad called me last saturday, telling me that my sis in Japan had recently met an old aquaintance of mine. So my dad starts describing the person. Apparently we use to be in the same van sekolah (Pak Cik Ishak use to drive us to school) and that we use to go to the same primary school. He lived just in the next street. We must have been the same age coz that guy remembers comparing English marks with me every time there was an exam. His name is Zul. None of this is ringing any bells yet with me, and I'm annoyed. I usually remember people, and not the other way around. In anycase, the last comment kinda made me think from that phone call til today. Apparently he said, he was never afraid to talk to anyone, but, he was, with me. The garang girl (me) from the van use to scream at everyone to be quiet when we take our van rides...
Haha... I guess I always was garang... just never realised it.
Whatever it is, are we who we are even since we were kids? Are we doomed to have the same personality forever, even when we finally recognize it? I wonder.
I then started looking for reasons to blame other people. Making theories...
1. I'm angry cos it's in my genes...
You have got to see the women in my family drive. All of them, even the meekest ones from my mum's side are aggressive drivers. However it is funny to see my mum yell "BASKETBALL!!!" at all the guys who are driving recklessly.
2. I'm angry cos it's fun...
Sometimes letting off a little steam is better than keeping it in. Sometimes it's better to keep it wrapped up. You have to judge for yourself, just as long as you don't upset someone else, and you don't blow yourself up. On a side note, I'm not so afraid of guys who are angry all the time. I'm more afraid of the quiet ones. It's always they who spout real fire, you know, sleeping volcano or sleeping dragons, whatever you want to call them.
3. I'm angry cos it's worth getting angry about...
Dude, I'm driving and you're making a lot of noise back there and it's giving me a migraine... yeah, good bye dear friend, I just shot you dead. Didn't even need a riffle, just my sharp tounge...
Ok... the reality is, there is always a better alternative then getting angry... Controlling your reactions can make your day go much better.
Let's use an example. (Ps got the following from a friend)
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You're eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the coffee cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup to close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt.
Back downstairs you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit zone.
After a 15 minute delay and throwing $60 (traffic fine) away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs to the building without saying good-bye.
After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you arrive home you find a small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the Policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is D. You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.
Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say "It's OK honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase. You come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You and your spouse kiss before you both go to work. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good of day you are having.
Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction.
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Kesimpulannya, my dad is right (like he always is, but none of you have to tell him I said that). I really do need to check my emotions from time to time and weigh out whether it is worth to spend my time and emotions in a certain way, or better to just handle things calmly.
To tell you the truth, I had a traumatic episode when I was in primary. I was told by my English teacher to join the story telling competition between houses. I was in the Blue house, the strongest of the four at my school. Apparently, although I was in 4th grade, and all the others were 6th graders, the head of the house still wanted me, because I had the best English (I just got back from the states after two years following my parents who did their masters). Needless to say I was less than thrilled, and worse, I couldn't storry tell anything if my life depended on it.
After many sessions with my English teacher (who use to be my PJK teacher before I left for the states) I was a mass of terrified nerves. I know he tried his best to help me, but I guess I just couldn't really throw my fears and insecurities away.
4th graders have the afternoon session. I didn't know the competition was on in the morning. When I arrived at school, they were giving the last call for me. Terrified, I must have done the walk of a thousand steps to get to the stage. I could feel the stares from the other kids in the audience. I think the most traumatic part of the whole thing was when the crowd started teasing me. Being the "fat kid" did not help. The kids started shouting how the fat kid should hurry up, and made no effort to hide it.
Once I got on to the stage, my teacher greeted me, and being the nice guy that he was, told me to try my best. I think he saw how scared I was, and told me if I wanted to stop to just say thank you and give a bow.
I tried my best to perform. But the words "budak gemuk" kept swimming in and out of my head. 5 minutes into the story, I gave a bow and abruptly left. I didn't sit down with the other contestants on the stage, instead I ran to a secluded corner of the school, and cried my heart out. As a credit to my friends, they found me and managed to calm me down.
The head of the Blue house had other plans. Effective immediately I was transfered to the Yellow house, the weakest of the 4. She said it was to balance out the unequal number of students between the houses. Hello, a child can see thru the lie Thanks a lot you old hag, just goes to show how merciless some people are in this world.
That was my last performance til From 5. I have to thank my English teacher, Mr Jay for giving me his undying support and enthusiasm... He forced me to join the debate team, and although I lost, it gave me back the confidence I had lack of from before. Several years later, I am better with presentations. In fact, I'm frequently called on to be a facilitator to teach at my current work place. My biggest achievement is giving a half hour speech with nothing but a mind map in front of me during my induction program (Penghulu chickened out and told me, the penghuli to give the speech).
The point is that a set back in life can traumatise you, but working your way, and creating new and great experiences, will help you recover. So if there is something that you are afraid of today (not irrational fear la, I'm not asking you to go bungee jumping) go and face it head on...
It's me again, after how many months? How am I? I'm now in my third month of work. Don't know if I'm much different than what I was last year, but yech, I read some of the earlier entries, and I don't like what I see there. I'll try to do better this year.
Tried to click on some of my fav reading list links. To my surprise, most of the blogs have been suspended. Guess I wasn't the only one to stop blogging for awhile. Maybe we got busy, I dunno.
I'm back in Malaysia, and currently working in KK. As usual, I'm single, so no choice, have to rent a house with some gurls... How I long for a studio, but sorry folks, can't afford it yet.
My current job isn't directly engineering related, but it's fun, and I'm interested in the stuff. That's what counts right?
Love life... hmm... so far have confessed 2 times this year. Bak kata ibunda, "Dah kerja ni dah takder time nak main." So basicly I'm not wasting time. I like a guy, I see if I get along well, I tell him. Rejection: also twice, ahaks, but if you don't risk big you don't win big right? It's only the middle of the year though.
I do have a new love in my life. It's my car. I bought it with my own money. I took it out for a night drive once, and I felt so calm and happy that just to provoke some guys, smsed them that maybe I should marry my car. As suspected, the guys rose to the bait and objected vehemently. One told me to think twice, and the other actually forbided me, saying that the car will never be able to hug me back. All I could think about was that the car will be right where I leave it (provided no one steals it) and that it will go wherever I want to go. My car is my entertainment (don't ask, my tv doesn't get good reception) and the car will keep me cool on days when it is hot. In short, I love my car. Of course RM1 will only get me 4.06km.
Am thinking about getting a new phone since my hp has been malfunctioning a number of times. I prefer something stylish. I don't need a camera phone, but I do like music, so if it plays mp3s it will be cool. I heard that slip phones and flap ones are unreliable since the lcd screens have been problematic, so maybe candy bar type again? Hmmm... still trying to shop around. Any one got any suggestions?
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