Been awhile since i last wrote in this blog. been busy. been here a few times, started writing then something came up and i ended up not finishing my entries. and i do so love long entries. ive always thot that writing soothes me. Been a while since i last wrote. Anything!
Today is the saddest day of my life. I found out that a close fren of mine is having cancer. according to her its malignant. i have yet to visit her as she went thru her operation today to remove it. but will certainly do so on wed after she has relaxed and if its really cancer, she'll definitely have to go thru chemo. Which breaks my heart. i cried buckets today. because of this. and another issue.
i think i might loose my other best fren as well. i shall not go thru the details here, but suffice to say that i am closing a chapter, in fact, the whole book on our frenship for a while.
what is frenship to you all? to me, a frenship is being there when you need someone. without any excuse. Thats me i guess. it means a lot to me. i try to be a fren to all my frens. i listen. i advice when i think i can, or even if it will go thru deaf ears, i will put in my 2 cents. most of my close frens call me 'mommy vic'. ok la not 'vic' per se, but my real name. and somehow or another, knowing that i am appreciated for being who i am truly means something. i am honoured. thank you dear frens for having such faith in me.
and then there are some frens who treat me as a best fren with benefits. ive got a few of those. once in a while they call. out of the blue moon, get the 'hey how r you doing' out of the way and then the hook: 'look, i need a favour'. yup. plenty of those. surprisingly from someone whom i thot was my bestest fren in college.
then there are some who are really clueless in frenship. they take, and take and take (or rather, am i too giving?), and when you really need them, theyre too busy. or unable to spare a few minutes to hear you out, or even give you a hug. oh plenty of those too.
then there are those whom you think you know, but behind your back, they stab you. Ooo...i like this one the best. coz with people like these, who needs enemies, huh?
what im trying to say is that frenship comes hard. once you have it and found your true fren, hold on to it. these frens might not call you too often, or might not hang around with you that much, but in your time of need, they are the ones who you can trust to be there for you. Thru thick and thin.
Others might laugh with you, but how many of frens do you have that will cry with you/ and with that, i end my entry.
Been quite a while since I last blogged. Too many
things had happened since then that kept me busy for quite a while. Let me tell
you guys that whatever that I am doing now is sooooo not what I have
anticipated. In fact, it blew me out of my comfort zone. Got me using my brain
more.
I guess,
in this organization that I work in currently, I cant very well continue to be
an expert in my field. I mean, writing and editing have always been my strength, I was an editor first and foremost
since I started my career years ago.
But when I started working here, its just not enough anymore. Which is good in
a way. I got exposed to many things and became somewhat of an expert in
e-marketing and e-advertising. And now, I am being exposed to systems and IT.
Wow…most of the times when people talk to me on these, they draw a blank look
from me. Hahahahah…now, at least I understand bits and pieces, yet still some
of the stuffs are alien to me.
My guy
friend has been a constant friend.
Nagging me on my inability to think through far ahead and look at the bigger
picture and more often than not, we end up quarreling. He pushes hard for me to
improve myself but sometimes, too hard that the ego in me would just like to
just shut him up! But whatever it is, thank you friend. But it would take me
years to keep up with you. Hehehehe
My family
front? Ah…have recently celebrated my 8th year of marriage, 10th
year of knowing my husband. We have our ups and downs, some worse than most,
but we managed to pull through. And you know, my husband and I don’t often fight
or quarrel. But when we do, and we made up and talked, it brought me closer to
him. And I could not have asked for a better man to be my husband and father to
my children. And Ive got beautiful children. The eldest is now 5 and getting
smarter by the day. The youngest is 3 and getting cheekier!
But because he is small sized and has that cheeky
look, its hard to stay angry at him long. Once he gives you that ‘innocent’
look, Im gone! Hahaha.
My sister
has just given birth to another boy to the family (my parents have 4 grandsons
now!). My mom has been giving me
little hints on a 3rd one in my family…ooo boy! I think Ill just stick to 2 now…tak
larat laaa. My sis in law is expecting another. So hopefully this one is a
girl? To be spoilt by all the rest of the family! Heheheh.
Wow..i cant
believe im jotting all these down here. But truth to be told, its kinda fun to
read back all my entries. PromiseIll be writing more serious and
thought provoking issues in the future. Hahahah….till then, adios!
This
week has been
a mixed one for me. One minutes I’m on a high and the next I’m so low and just
when I don’t think its possible to go lower, down I go!
All
my life, I have always been lucky I
guess. Luck has always been on my
side, whether it is about work, or life in general. And I am happy enough to
just glide along. Till recently that is. I was recently jerked out of my
comfort zone. Forced to face what is really out there. Force to come out of my
shell and really see how people see me. And the view is not so pretty there.
K
and I have been very close quite
recently. Honestly speaking, we’re so close that people are starting to think
there is some hanky panky going on. That I don’t give sh*t, coz you can’t
really control what other people say or perceive about you. What I’m trying to
say is that when you’re close with someone, you tend to be very honest and
open. And that was what happened. He got too honest and open with me. I mean, I’ve
got close friends before this. But I guess they never have gotten that close to
even begin to understand what makes me tick and whatever that lies underneath
my smiles. Even if they do, they were not vocal about it I guess. But K
stripped me bear these past few days that left me feeling
so vulnerable and naked. And he wasn’t beating around the bush when he lectured
me. And I do mean lecture. And what’s disturbing me is that he got me down to
the T.
It
all started with his frustration with the organization that we work in and the
people in it. And let me tell you, he believes strongly in the organization and
what it can do with the right leaders. He believes that the organization can
grow. Not to say that I don’t but seriously, I don’t think I have the same
level of ‘belief’ as he does. At a certain level, yes I do believe that it is
possible. But these things will take time. An empire is not built within a
night.
And
all these while when I am here, I have always thought that I am playing my part
in contributing to the whole bigger picture. Until K came in and blew me out of
my confidence. He is not really challenging what I do, but rather how I do it.
In a way, I am glad that he sees I am
capable of doing much more, but God, the way he ‘attacked’ me was so horrible
that I cried most of the night (bangun pagi bengkak mata suit!). I guess he brought my ego down so low that I have nothing left. Like
I said, stripped me bear. Virgos and their criticisms… stab my heart with a knife
why don’t you…
And
this went on the whole week mind
you, yesterday being the worst. Its draining. I am stripped of every energy,
every confidence I have. I always tell myself that I am a strong woman. I will
be down one day, but I’ll jump up on the horse again the next day. But how can I
do that when I keep falling off before
I even have the chance to go up again?
So
today I will look at myself and try to imagine where I want myself to be in, say
5 years down the road. Work wise, family wise, life wise. I guess I have always
been living life and taking it as it
comes. I guess K has a point. Not that I don’t learn as I grow. I do. But not
enough. The skills that I have gotten thus far are too concentrated in my area
but even that is not enough. I don’t bother to learn additional skills. In
short, I don’t bother to stretch my brains to its full potential…(my excuse: too difficult
la. Why bother?). So let’s see how
far I can do this shall we?
P/s:
just wanna share with you what my fren smsed me when i was so
frustrated that night. I will always keep this sms...Brought some light
into my situation that nite:
"beb, how we feel is our resposibility. U know that. Dont feel bad for
being you just because your best fren wears a mightier moral badge.
Instead of being just like him, another one with ideals of what the
organisation looks or should be like, you should always be you, so that
he can continue to be him. We all have parts to play. Big or tiny. If
he is md/ceo pon, he'll still have dissapoinments at other levels. What
do you do as a fren? Stand firm on the person that you are even when
your work isnt as grand. U dont get sucked into his md/ceo's problems
and ideals and hopes. You support, yes. He feels and believes for the
company, thats him. U can feel and believe that much for something
else...like in him. Or in your family. So what work is ****. Life is
not about work. You're a mom, you influence your boys to some extend,
but you dont impose your way of seeing life to them right? You might
want to especially when you think you know better but they have to
carve it on their own...". Total sms in one long sms? 7!!
Wow it has been quite sometime since Ive logged in and jotted something in here. Been quite a few incidents happened in my life right now, and I dont really know whether it is for the good or bad.
You know, the reason at first when I have a blog is to have somewhere I could jot my thoughts and whatever happened in my life in here. A sort of a platform where I can actually see how far Ive grown thru the years...but one thing about the blog, or better still the www is that the issue of privacy is no longer an issue. Meaning, forget about privacy. Whatever you write is for the world to see and read and comment.
I guess that was why I seldom write in here anymore. Be it in MyMesra or my own personal blog. Too many people know who I am and I guess its kinda daunting to know that people you know, be it casual friends or close ones, get that kind of insight into my private thoughts and life. My blog is not a platform to see how I grew anymore, but more on how people see me as who I am and what I do in my life! Hah...
My ex-boss called me up and we started talking about a project that we're about to start. We were talking about Web 2.0. and the fact that our VC somehow or another could not grasp the concept of users posting everything and anything online for the whole world to see. Well, you see, YOU as a user get to choose what to put online and what to leave out.
Here's the clincher. Us as human beings, it is a natural thing for us to attract attention. No matter who you are or who you claim to be, attention sort of justifies our very existence I guess. The more comments you get in your blog, the more excited you become to write down your thoughts and share things with the rest. Its a cause and effect thing. So the more you post stuff online, the line of privacy goes thinner and thinner, and slowly, you wonder what happened to your private life as it is all online.
Take Facebook. Sure, you think that there is no harm in putting your pics and stories and whatnots online. You crave to see who noticed you online, who passed you stuffs, who poked you, who gave you messeges in your Inbox, who your friends are befriending. You would wanna tell people the places you have been, the amount of friends you have under your friends listing, the groups you joined, your artistic talents, etc. Privacy? Hah, how ironic!
Then there are some whose lives revolve around the net. They become someone very different. But with Facebook, these two lives somehow merge. Your offline life is online, your offline circle of friends are also online. Just that the web makes it easier to keep track of what they are doing more often than you personally contacting them. So where is the privacy? I guess that is why many people I know, mostly introverts, refuse to be part of what you call the 'social networks'. Until they are pressured to join, that is. And yes, I am on Facebook...
I recently found a whole bunch of my schoolmates online. Went on a 'Add as friends' rampage. Its been quite some time since we contacted one another, and Facebook brought us back together. And I am already planning a gathering soon with them. God, they all look so different! Let's see how different eh?
Its new
year!! Woohoo...ok time for my new year resolutions:
Health:
-Stop smoking
-Exercise more
-Eat less sugar
Finance:
-Settle ALL debts
-shop less
-save more for kids
Family:
-Spend more time with them
-Cook more for them
-Spend time on education
-Plan more outings
Career:
-Less goofing around
-Read more
-Focus and do thing sone thing at a time
Others:
-Find a gf for guy pal
Dono whether I can do all these in a year, but heck, Ill definately try my best.
Lately I feel so confused actually. Been on an emotional rollercoaster. Dont
ask me why, just feel like that. I feel like a teen all over again, so unsure
of herself whereas am a 32 year old confident woman! Hah...
Hey been to Singapore
last 2 weeks, for the 1st time! Yup, that was my first time! Visited Orchard Road, China
Town and Singapore
Zoo. Spent quite a bit of time traveling on the MRT and buses tho. But all in
all, it was a fun trip. Going there again next weekend, soooo looking forward
to it!
Oh well, just another year has gone by and lets see where else Im going by the
end of this year huh....
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